The Long Way
There are certain parts of the journey you just can't skip
Content Warning: This post includes sensitive content related to miscarriage and pregnancy loss.
After 12 years of endless waiting, I thought that my first ever positive pregnancy test meant that my waiting was finally over. Finding out at the end of January was a great way to start the new year, until it was over as quickly as it began.
The shock of a chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage that occurs within 5-6 weeks) took a little time to process, especially because I always assumed that my years of waiting was suffering enough. Surely God wouldn’t allow this to be part of my story too…
So when I received my second positive pregnancy test two months later, I was in awe of the faithfulness of God. “God really opened my womb.” The first test wasn’t just an isolated incident, God had really done it! A decade of prayers answered in another big fat positive, and I could tell that this yes was different. The test lines were brighter, bolder, and surer in comparison to the faint lines I received on my first positive pregnancy test.
This was it.
After sharing the news of our pregnancy immediately with close family and friends the first time, my husband and I decide to keep the news to ourselves a little longer. But I feel prompted to testify during my church service a few days later and share the news anyway. (So much for keeping this to ourselves right?) The news is out (sort of) and the well wishes are pouring in. This is it!
Fourth week of pregnancy.
The following week I experience minor bleeding (not this again) and schedule an appointment with my doctor. The ultrasound detects not one but two pregnancies; one in the uterus and one outside of the uterus. Surgery is scheduled.
Fifth week of pregnancy.
During the surgery it is discovered that I don’t have an ectopic pregnancy but a cyst in my fallopian tube. (Praise God!) To my relief, the surgery doesn’t interfere with the pregnancy in utero and I’m off to recovery.
Sixth week of pregnancy.
Post-surgery, the follow up ultrasound still doesn’t show a fetal pole (the first visible sign of an embryo). At this point in gestation, no fetal pole means there’s a possibility that this pregnancy could result in a miscarriage. My doctor runs bloodwork to check that my HCG levels are increasing. They are. (Praise God!)
Seventh week of pregnancy.
Still recovering, I slowly transition back to work and resume normal activities, finally taking a moment to reflect on what has happened the past few weeks. I’m thankful to be on the other side and hopeful for my upcoming appointment. (Prayers up!)
Eighth week of pregnancy.
The most eventful month ever is almost to an end and I’m ready to get back to life as usual. The week is over and it’s only a few days before the appointment that changes everything. Then the bleeding (that never stopped by the way) picks up significantly. We’re off to the ER and an ultrasound no longer detects a pregnancy in my uterus.
Ninth week of pregnancy.
I expected the outcome of my second pregnancy to be different because we testified of God’s goodness and shared the news of the wondrous things He had done. Surely God wouldn’t let His glory fall. Surely He wouldn’t allow our hope to be put to shame.
Surely…
After learning of my miscarriage, my first instinct was to retreat and shrink back, to hide behind the curtain of time and let it do what it does. Then I realized the error in thinking that I can only testify of good things and not a good God.
The same God that is good on the mountaintop is also good in the valley. The same God that is worthy of praise in the land flowing with milk and honey is also worthy in the wilderness.
I prayed for the Lord to speak to me, to clue me in on what He was doing, as anyone would do after such an event. I waited to encounter Him in a download or a dream, in a message catered specifically to me, and I did…
Moses returned to the Lord and said, “Why, Lord, why have you brought trouble on this people? Is this why you sent me? Ever since I went to Pharaoh to speak in your name, he has brought trouble on this people, and you have not rescued your people at all.”
Exodus 5:22-23 NIV
Moses had expectations. He wouldn’t have guessed that deliverance would require more suffering. He didn’t think that the promise would mean more disappointment. After 400 years of slavery, things should be getting better. Why would God allow more pain to come upon His people?
It would have been more convenient for God to deliver the Israelites on the very first day Moses and Aaron approached Pharaoh. It would have been more comfortable if Pharaoh didn’t harden his heart 10 times before the Israelites were let go. But that’s just not the way God does things. God takes us the long way because there are no shortcuts to destiny.
For instance, Jesus could have showed up the very next day after He received news that Lazarus was sick. However, His plan wasn’t to display His glory by simply healing the sick but resurrecting the dead. But long before God brought the dead to life, He brought life to a dead womb. The womb that gave birth to a nation. The same nation God would deliver from the hands of the Egyptians centuries later.
Although we catch Moses a little disillusioned in Exodus 5, the tape didn’t start rolling once he showed up. God had a plan in motion long before Moses had a concern. God wasn’t done, Moses just needed to keep watching…
In all the years of praying for the Lord to open my womb, I also prayed for healthy pregnancies and full-term deliveries. Praying to protect myself against unfortunate events that happen to 1 in 4 pregnant women. But if God didn’t put a cap on Job’s suffering, why should I restrict the glory He has predestined to receive from my life?
In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.
1 Peter 1:6-7 ESV
I didn’t expect to experience more disappointment so very close to the promised land. I also assumed it would be smooth sailing once the deliverer stepped on the scene. But where I wanted to say “enough is enough,” God said “I’m more than enough!”
He is enough to keep me in my disappointment and comfort me in my suffering. He doesn’t shrink back from the hard parts of my story, instead, His glory shines brighter in the darkness. Therefore, I won’t let shame have the final say! This isn’t the end of the story, the tape is still rolling.
Keep watching…